It sucks see ya all tomorrow.
Alright I'll give you an actual explanation why it sucks, take it or leave it, but I won't be buying the blu-ray or DVD when it comes out, fuck that TBH.
The story:
It makes no sense from the very first few minutes of the movie all the way 'til the end.
So first it starts with Bowser lifting his entire castle or kingdom or island or UFO I don't even fucking know to the north pole to bully the penguins, but why doesn't he uses his airships? Anyways who cares, he went there to steal the palace's treasure (Aight sorry, but first thing to come to mind was Persona 5.) and then bail out. It's a power star and if you've ever played any Mario game you'd know how stupid this is, he treats it like Eggman treats the Chaos Emeralds. Also he captures all the penguins, you follow me we good?
Then it goes to the Mario bros they're looking to do plumbing for a living so the funny ahah advert is for this, then they get bullied by some fuck named Spike and then he gets a call to fix some rich fucks their toilets so they try to go there by minitruck and it doesn't work, so they go by foot and whilst Mario is a parkour expert, luigi is behind following him. They get to the house, but Luigi accidentally steps on the dog's bone which breaks (BTW it's not the sort of thing soft enough to break I'd know) the dog wants to get its revenge on them, so it then causes them more trouble by getting into the toilets with the bros and ramming head first into the sink, I won't describe the entire scene, but anyways.
After a boring bit with the bros meeting their parents for dinner they then try to save Brooklyn from a flood caused by a plumbing problem, so eventually they find a green pipe and Mario ends up in the Mushroom Kingdom whilst Luigi ends up in world 8 from New Super Mario Bros DS. And blah blah all of that shit after is too boring for me to care describing it. I'll just go straight to the ending to explain why the star is fucking stupid. Well so when Mario and Luigi steal it from Bowser they turn invincible with superhuman strength. Yeah it's literally a super star, not even the power stars like the ones from SM64, a damn super star. Bowser had plenty of opportunities to use it, but didn't do it because this movie fucking hates him. Also I don't get how the rainbow in the movie can break esp via a blue shell since that never happens in Mario Kart.
Oh and did I forget to mention there's vore in the movie? Mario and Donkey Kong get eaten by an Eel.
The characters:
They suck.
Mario: They made him a bumbling idiot that can't do anything right. Literally at the beginning he can do parkour just fine, but when he's being trained by Peach he jumps and falls into the fucking water immediately.
Luigi: They cranked his cowardice all the way to 100, Luigi is never scared unless it's a haunted house he has to go into.He's even more useless than Mario BTW, if Mario is a bumbling idiot, Luigi is a useless nobody in this movie, he never does anything and even in Brooklyn he has to catch up to Mario. So dumb and gay TBH.
Peach: The "strong female protagonist" and that should be a good thing right, except she canonically gets kidnapped all the fucking times in the games. They changed her personality to be more manly to appeal to the SJW crowd. It's not nearly as drastic as other shit films because atleast she isn't an eccentric (Ghostbusters 2016) and she isn't a misandrist (Captain Marvel), so I'll give the movie that. Peach is better than other "strong female protagonists" from Hollywood.
Toad (you know which one): By far the best character and my favourite one in the entire movie. Always tries to be helpful, doesn't slow down the plot, very positive and ongoing. He gives good vibes. He's cool, too bad he's just there to advance the plot near the end, he should've listened to Peach and tailed off.
Bowser: He probs had it the worst out of any character, they turned him from a bad guy with a purpose in all his misdeeds (Like Ralph from Wreck in Ralph in a way.) into a Disney villain. Like forreal in Super Mario Odyssey he has a frenemy relationship with Mario at the very end. In M&L vore story he saves the world. In Super Paper Mario he also saves the world. Bowser would never kill a bunch of ppl in front of Peach, never cuz it's fucking retarded.
They also manage to make him look like a cartoony ass character when he obsesses over Peach and marrying her, it's cringe. Plenty of secondhand embarassment from this dude alone. He also wants to marry her in the games, but it's alot more healthy than in the movie. He kidnaps her and that's it, he doesn't roleplay with Kamek pretending to marry her.
Donkey Kong: Honestly a funny comedy relief frenemy character, but with that out of the way I don't get how Mario and DK don't know each other already when his schtick was to kidnap Pauline and yes she shows up in the movie too.
Spike (Wrecking Crew guy): Just the stereotypical Hollywood film bully, you've seen him in Back from the Future, he shows up in Harry Potter and makes another guest appearance in It. Holy shit please kill this character archetype, please!
I didn't expect anything special TBFH. This is on par with the Sonic Movie and Detective Pikachu, it's overhyped garbage you watch once and then you're done with it forever.
I'll also let someone else speak about that trash heap if you want a more thorough review IDK.
Oh actually, if you don't want to even see the movie, someone sums it up in a vid:
ZabuJard
i thot the movie was fun enough